Police this year have released a statement informing Christmas hoodlums that they will no longer tolerate the age old practice of 'Decking the Halls with boughs of holly'. Anyone found attacking either Mr or Mrs Hall or their children Derek or Jemima will be arrested.

Mr Hall also released a statement after the police announcement, as follows...

"My family and I are relieved that the police have finally come to their senses and now see this as a criminal offence. Finally we will be able to enjoy a peaceful Christmas without having to look over our shoulders all the time in fear of being forced to the floor by idiots brandishing Christmas topiary. Only last week, little Jemima came running, screaming (and obviously afeared) into the house, shouting tearfully that a bad woman was going to holly-bush her. On looking out of the window I saw that paranoia had got the better of her and the holly bush was in fact an unconvincing cherry tomato and rocket salad being taken to a neighbour's Christmas buffet. Now the police have released this statement I believe these waking terrors for Jemima will be a thing of the past.

Police also released another statement later in the day to say that 'Poking the Smiths with legs of turkey' and 'Caking the Jones with pots of cranberry' will no longer be tolerated either.

I personally wish to extend my seasons greetings to the Halls, Jones and Smiths and I hope that future Christmas celebrations will no longer be marred by the threat of a decking, poking or caking upon their good selves.

Frightening Times Behind Her

A happy Jemima is now able to handle Christmas topiary without fear of attack.















Photo (c) Florian Ispas / Dreamstime

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Just found this video on Youtube. A strange Father Christmas puppet running around a park and doing a little dance. It's very freaky. The face on the puppet is so real I wonder if they got Hannibal Lecter to 'get it' for them. Weird! Weird! Weird!... but in a very good weird way... and if you look carefully you can just make out the guys controlling it.

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There are so many musicians who have given into the temptation of writing a Christmas song. I received a copy of the following track, which I've been informed is 'The Stranglers' - 1970s new wave/ punk band, who are most famous for their tracks Golden Brown and No More Heroes. Apparently, it was recorded live at Jet Black's auntie Brian's pub at Christmas, during a period when Hugh Cornwell was being sulky and wouldn't play out. Hugh was annoyed that Dave Greenfield had opened all the doors on the communal advent calendar and had drawn a moustache on the picture of baby Jesus. A replacement singer was brought in and the band played under the moniker 'Throttlers Guild'. The song here (Festive Playlists) is based on No More Heroes, but with enough subtle changes to exclude Hugh from the 6 pence royalty fees they would have received for it. In this song they are being very grumpy about other Christmas songs and the fact that musicians bother to write them.

Here are the full lyrics.

Festive Playlists
I know what happened to Sir Cliff Richard.
He had a big hit that kept his pockets lined.
I know what happened to Slade and Wizard
Bing and Bowie and Nat King Cole.

What happened to the festive playlists?
I hear the same songs 10 times a day.
What happened to the festive playlists?
Please make them go. Take them away.

Whatever happened to Leon's ear muffs?
They drown the sound out when my ears burn.

What happened to the festive playlists?
I hear the same songs 10 times a day.

We'll bury those tracks in the frozen waste.
FM / AM - you're a disgrace.
You sent me mad. You made me cry.
Now I comfort binge on stale mince pies.

Whatever happened to Leon's ear muffs?
They drown the sound out and keep my ears warm....

Disclaimer: I'm sure the Stranglers had nothing to do with this. The opinions expressed about specific musicians in this song are immature and should not be taken seriously.

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Stir Up Sunday 11/21/2008
 

"Stir Up Sunday" is always the last Sunday before Advent. It's not so much a celebration, but a gentle lead into the battle between those for and against the enjoyment of Christmas.

It's an English tradition, first heard of as a bit of bickering between Puritans and Royalists and led to the Civil War. During this period Puritans would have been going on about how much they were looking forward to the festivities since "Far To Early To Be Talking About Christmas Monday" (3 weeks earlier). All their comments, such as 'I wonder if they'll show Octopussy this year on Boxing day?', 'Are you having turkey or nut cutlet for Xmas dinner?' and 'I've asked Father Christmas for a new stiff hat, some shiny buckles and a Raleigh Grifter bike. What are you getting?' would have wound up the Royalists, who just wanted to wait until Christmas day before they sang some carols and drank advocaat for 13 hours solid.

'Stir Up Sunday' is the breaking point when a Puritan would say to his Royalist neighbour, 'You know what's great about Christmas?' and his neighbour would reply sternly, 'No!' A big smile would cross his puritan face and he'd say smugly, 'It's great, because it starts right now and you can't do a thing about it. If I want to eat a Christmas themed sandwich now, I can! Yahoo!'












'And when did you last see your Father Christmas?' by W.F. Yeames. 2nd painting in series , 'I can't remember, but I'm sure I saw mommy kissing him at the time.' remains lost since 1724.

At this point the Royalist would be so stirred up they would shout at every Puritan they saw, 'You can't celebrate Christmas yet. There are XXX days left to go.' This was also the origin of the Advent Calendar. John Hopkirk invented it when his Royalist neighbour informed him that he was going away for 25 days, until Christmas day. As Hopkirk would have no-one to tell him how many days were left he made himself a cardboard festive scene with glittery bits and doors numbered 1 to 24. Every day he would open a new door and would therefore know how close he was to Christmas day.














John Hopkirk's original Advent Calendar. (c) Cadbury's plc.

Please note: 'Stir Up Sunday' should not be confused with 'Stirrup Sunday', the Sunday before Christmas. 'Stirrup Sunday' is the day that Father Christmas attempts to mount his reindeer for the first time since Christmas Eve the year before, just to make sure he can still do it.

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The Big Question 11/20/2008
 

NEARLY THERE!!!!!, but not quite. If you haven't got a calendar and you're not sure whether we've reached the momentous day of 25th December or not, then try going to the Is It Christmas site? It's got all the relevant information you need and will keep you up to date as we count down the moments to Christmas.

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Mr Blessed didn't make an appearance at Christmas this year, but I heard him on the radio the other day. He was advertising the West End. I'm sure I heard him talking about his buttocks too! I suppose if you're famous you can do that. If you're not famous you can do it as well, but they look at you funny and call you bad names you shouldn't repeat to your mum. Anyway, if you have the post-Christmas Brian Blessed blues, try this 'Am I Brian blessed or not?' game by Thomas Scott. To make it a bit festive, arm yourself with tomato ketchup and whipping cream and smear it on Brian's face in a white beard and red jacket type styling when he pops up on the screen. Go on! A new monitor only costs a couple of hundred pounds, but seeing the blessed Blessed dressed as Father Christmas is worth at least two and a half times that.

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Right! Now you've all had time to get over last Christmas (both the experience and the Wham record - well, maybe not the record. Will we ever get over it?), it's time to start preparing for it again. There's only about 340 days to go. Quick! Quick! We're running out of time. I haven't got my Turkey ordered yet. The country, not the bird! I always order a mediterranean country for Christmas. It gives me a warm glow, and a bit of sun burn.

Anyway, back to that Wham record.... I think the following reaction I found on Youtube sums it up nicely. Warning: Be careful of your ears and your heart!

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'Plummes Thankfulle' went down a treat with the medieval European members of our family. Plenty of fruit bruising was achieved and the finest thankfulle platitude achieved was by my aunt Sveltletta - 'I'll no potter with the stone when the flesh can still be mine,' she cried as she bounced a masterful skimming blow with a single stewed damson off her son's, husband's and the pig's head.

Trajectory of the winning plum shot.

Hand courtesy of bigfoto.com

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Apparently the custom is 'Plummes Thankfulle,' and it involves more fruit and platitudes than we had available in the larder. It was also delayed by the incident of uncle David bearing down upon and riding the last white stag of the county... I'm sorry, I've got to go again. It's getting a bit out of hand. I'll be back. Don't worry! It's only the 1st day of Christmas, so we still have eleven days of this Christmasnessnessness to go. 

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Merry Christmas to you all... whoever you may be. The big day is finally here. It's always a long Christmas day for us, as we run through a variety of local traditions to make it special, as follows.

Rise at 4:30am. Remove youngest child of the family from the chimney, where they have spent the previous 12 hours on Christmas watch. This tradition has been in place since at least 1841. It is believed that keeping a child up the chimney will deter any mischievious yuletide goblings from slipping down the flue and running amok throughout the house... stealing gifts and Christmas delights from unprotected homes. We always install the youngest child up there, because it makes them feel important and useful at Christmas. This tradition has only made one of them cry in the past 7 years.

6:30am. Drink egg-nog or a modern equivalent, such as a snowball made from advocaat, lemonade and lime juice.

7:00am. Open some presents and say, 'Ooh! Isn't that lovely.'

7:15am. Ask if present giver has kept receipt and whether they would mind if you exchanged present, as it isn't quite your colour or style.

8:30am. Chestnut wickering tradition. Cover your family pig with fresh chestnuts (using sticky berry to hold them in place) and parade along the streets with it. If you pass a house with a red candle in the window you must pick a chestnut off the pig and split it into 2 pieces. You open the letter box of the house, peer through it and say 'Wickering favours upon you and your homeys. May all be blest and your harvest plenty.' You then pop half of the chestnut through the letter box and eat the other half, in the hope that good fortune will be yours too... As with all decent traditions, there's no point in doing these things if there's nothing in it for you as well.

1:30pm. We have just returned from 'the wickering' and still have the pig three quarters full of chestnuts. However, we have received numerous tid-bits on our journey and are making as merry as possible, which is just what is needed before we start the custom of 'Thankfulle plummes'. I will return to tell you how the rest of the day goes.

MERRY CHRISTMAS (ONCE AGAIN) AND I HOPE YOU ARE HAVING FUN. 

 

 

Our pig.

Yes, I know it's a bit small, but we are a very poor family.

Photo courtesy of freedigitalphotos.net

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